Of course, this game is rushed and buggy and frankly unplayable and plagued with glitches that will trigger seizures, but it has grappling hooks, pointless lore, and emotes! They’ve got competition when it comes to biographic minutiae though. As of this year, DOOM’s codex has expanded to twice the length of War and Peace and has six times the characters, no ancillary NPC too insignificant to have their own melodramatic backstory. The Pinky Demon’s projected hatred for the Doom Guy makes so much more sense when you read up on his troubled relationship with his emotionally-distant father.
This is the 2030s, and this industry is full of groundbreaking, original new ideas! Every single weapon feels weak and identical but it has weapon skins you can change on the fly when you get bored while waiting for your health to regenerate behind cover. If the pacing bothers you too much, you can now forgo the irksome gameplay by pressing X and simply watch the unskippable cut scenes. Never mind that they play in a wildly unstable framerate that looks absolutely nothing like the hype trailer. When it doesn’t crash, the Assassin’s Creed-style skin glitches are even more hilarious and immersion-shattering in stunning 8K resolution:
Fans clamored for immersion and RPG stats, and they got it. Well, at least when it comes to manipulating the size of your penis. What about branching storylines, custom builds, or dialogue choices that alter the game in meaningful ways like Fallout: New Vegas did in 2010 on a fraction of the budget? Nah, that got cut. Don’t worry about it, they slapped Keanu Reeves in the game to make up for it.
Everybody loves open world games, and this map doesn’t disappoint, coming in at 240 times the size of the state of California. The map is so huge and empty you literally need to stop your flying rocket bike at a rest-stop and pee every ten minutes while you are traveling to your mission objective due to the immersive new bladder mechanic. Shriveling horse gonads were just the beginning. If your weapons can degrade, why not your internal organs? Wait too long to pee and you will get a virtual bladder infection. Those that pre-ordered five years ago are eligible for a special upgrade perk to buff their digital bladder stats if they don’t want to hit up that compulsory gas-station urinal mini-game.